There's this thing that we do. We all do it. We walk right to the edge of something we have always wanted, right up to the edge, where we could reach out and touch it with our fingertips if we wanted to. Maybe we do touch it, even. And then, with all of our hopes and dreams sitting right at the top of our throats, nearly cutting off our ability to swallow, we turn and we walk away. We walk as far and as quickly as we possibly can, because the closer we stand to edge of our dreams, the more we choke on the bitterness of regret. The farther away we can get, the better we feel. Or so we think. Also, we fill our every moment to overflowing with every possible thing we can find...in hopes to completely silence that longing that screams at us if we allow it to become exposed. We stay so busy that we can't possibly mourn the loss of the dreams we walked away from.
Oh, we have reasons. By the hundreds. First of all, our dreams are selfish. They are OUR desires...our wishes...things that we want for ourselves that likely, no one else really cares about. Second, our dreams don't always make sense, even to us. We don't always have a clear plan for how to reach them, we only know that they are out there, waiting. If we can't explain it to ourselves, how in the world can we explain it to others. Then there are the expectations. So many expectations. They crush us at every turn. They choke the life out of us. The expectation to do what we are good at. To finish what we start. To be responsible. To make money. To think of others first. To be the best wife. To be the best mother. To be the best friend. On and on and on, they never end. This cyclone of expectations spins and rages around our minds and through our thoughts every minute of every day. Then there's the hard truth that our desires don't actually matter all that much in the big picture. There's actually some real merit to that one, at least for me, so let me take a moment to explain myself. I do not agree with the sentiment that seems to be really popular right now that says, "take care of you! Who cares about everyone else, do what makes YOU happy!" I believe that we were put on this earth to make a positive difference in the lives of others. To serve others. To show true Christianity in every part of our lives. I also believe that if you have children, they absolutely must come first. Before and above anything else and more important than any desire or wish that you may have. No sacrifice is too great if it is done in an effort to care for your children in the way that they need to be cared for. So I really do believe that in the big picture, as long as we are taking care of the things that we need to take care of, the method by which we do so matters very little. The phrase "Put on your big girl panties and deal with it" comes readily to mind here. This is the reason that we sometimes spend years working jobs we detest. We do things we never imagined we would in the name of feeding our family. This isn't all bad in my opinion. If you have a family, then it's your job to take care of them, regardless of what that entails. But. There's a bigger piece here, where we get so caught up in taking care of our family that we forget all about who we actually are, and what we wanted to do with our lives, once upon a time. This is when it becomes dangerous. And then there's the guilt...oh the guilt. For feeling like what we have isn't enough. That being a mother, in all of its awe and wonder, sometimes isn't enough. That's a huge one. For some people, it is enough, and they can't understand how others could feel differently. And that is wonderful, and we should never, ever judge each other for whether it is or isn't. I am a mother. Sometimes I feel as if I am a great mother. Other times I feel as if I have completely failed. Regardless, being a mother is only a piece of who I am. Yes, it is my most important job on this earth, but it still doesn't define me. Sometimes, we are just plain scared. Petrified. What if we fall on our face? What if the whole world laughs? What if we fail the ones we love? What if we expose those places inside of us that have been carefully hidden for so long? What if we don't even have the first clue how to begin? The list of reasons could keep going forever. There will always be a million and one reasons not to try.
Here's why it matters so much. The thing with hidden, forgotten dreams is this... they don't actually go away. They lie dormant for a while, but then without warning they start to boil under the surface. They churn around in our subconscious and wake us up at night. They become the bitter taste in our mouth. They become the sadness in our eyes when we smile. They sometimes scream at us and make us deaf to everything else around us. They sometimes whisper and we can almost...almost...tune them out. We begin to feel as if we are failing at things we are actually great at, because these things don't fulfill us. This makes us angry. At ourselves. At the people we are "giving up our dreams for". This anger is fueled by our feelings of helplessness. Our feelings of failure. The "empty" feeling that sometimes exists even when our lives are overflowing. It matters because forgotten dreams can destroy us and the people we love most. When we forget our passion, we sometimes forget how to breathe. Passion is what makes us succeed. Not skill. Passion. We keep living...we just aren't breathing anymore. This is where we cease to be successful in any area of our lives.
So where do we go from here? First we take a hard look at what matters and what doesn't. We rip off all of the things covering up the surface and we ask ourselves some difficult questions. What is most important to us? As in, what can we absolutely, positively not allow to get lost in the shuffle. We examine this list. We see what we can move and what we can omit. We rank things above and below other things. We look for opportunities to take baby steps in the direction of our dreams. We fight the guilt and the uncertainty as it comes. We decide to take chances. Your list won't match mine. But that's the beauty of it. Being the best mom I can be to my kids, the best wife to my husband, the best example to others of what it means to be a Christian, taking care of the people in my life to the best of my ability...making a difference in the lives of others...these are at the top of my list. And woven through and between all of that are my dreams. They twist and turn and wrap themselves around the chords that play the music of my life. Sometimes they rage at me... sometimes they whisper. But they are always there. Waiting for me to gain enough courage to step out to the edge of the limb and then to keep walking when I run out of limb. One day, I will. One day soon, I hope.
What if I fall? Well, I might. But I might also fly.
Oh, we have reasons. By the hundreds. First of all, our dreams are selfish. They are OUR desires...our wishes...things that we want for ourselves that likely, no one else really cares about. Second, our dreams don't always make sense, even to us. We don't always have a clear plan for how to reach them, we only know that they are out there, waiting. If we can't explain it to ourselves, how in the world can we explain it to others. Then there are the expectations. So many expectations. They crush us at every turn. They choke the life out of us. The expectation to do what we are good at. To finish what we start. To be responsible. To make money. To think of others first. To be the best wife. To be the best mother. To be the best friend. On and on and on, they never end. This cyclone of expectations spins and rages around our minds and through our thoughts every minute of every day. Then there's the hard truth that our desires don't actually matter all that much in the big picture. There's actually some real merit to that one, at least for me, so let me take a moment to explain myself. I do not agree with the sentiment that seems to be really popular right now that says, "take care of you! Who cares about everyone else, do what makes YOU happy!" I believe that we were put on this earth to make a positive difference in the lives of others. To serve others. To show true Christianity in every part of our lives. I also believe that if you have children, they absolutely must come first. Before and above anything else and more important than any desire or wish that you may have. No sacrifice is too great if it is done in an effort to care for your children in the way that they need to be cared for. So I really do believe that in the big picture, as long as we are taking care of the things that we need to take care of, the method by which we do so matters very little. The phrase "Put on your big girl panties and deal with it" comes readily to mind here. This is the reason that we sometimes spend years working jobs we detest. We do things we never imagined we would in the name of feeding our family. This isn't all bad in my opinion. If you have a family, then it's your job to take care of them, regardless of what that entails. But. There's a bigger piece here, where we get so caught up in taking care of our family that we forget all about who we actually are, and what we wanted to do with our lives, once upon a time. This is when it becomes dangerous. And then there's the guilt...oh the guilt. For feeling like what we have isn't enough. That being a mother, in all of its awe and wonder, sometimes isn't enough. That's a huge one. For some people, it is enough, and they can't understand how others could feel differently. And that is wonderful, and we should never, ever judge each other for whether it is or isn't. I am a mother. Sometimes I feel as if I am a great mother. Other times I feel as if I have completely failed. Regardless, being a mother is only a piece of who I am. Yes, it is my most important job on this earth, but it still doesn't define me. Sometimes, we are just plain scared. Petrified. What if we fall on our face? What if the whole world laughs? What if we fail the ones we love? What if we expose those places inside of us that have been carefully hidden for so long? What if we don't even have the first clue how to begin? The list of reasons could keep going forever. There will always be a million and one reasons not to try.
Here's why it matters so much. The thing with hidden, forgotten dreams is this... they don't actually go away. They lie dormant for a while, but then without warning they start to boil under the surface. They churn around in our subconscious and wake us up at night. They become the bitter taste in our mouth. They become the sadness in our eyes when we smile. They sometimes scream at us and make us deaf to everything else around us. They sometimes whisper and we can almost...almost...tune them out. We begin to feel as if we are failing at things we are actually great at, because these things don't fulfill us. This makes us angry. At ourselves. At the people we are "giving up our dreams for". This anger is fueled by our feelings of helplessness. Our feelings of failure. The "empty" feeling that sometimes exists even when our lives are overflowing. It matters because forgotten dreams can destroy us and the people we love most. When we forget our passion, we sometimes forget how to breathe. Passion is what makes us succeed. Not skill. Passion. We keep living...we just aren't breathing anymore. This is where we cease to be successful in any area of our lives.
So where do we go from here? First we take a hard look at what matters and what doesn't. We rip off all of the things covering up the surface and we ask ourselves some difficult questions. What is most important to us? As in, what can we absolutely, positively not allow to get lost in the shuffle. We examine this list. We see what we can move and what we can omit. We rank things above and below other things. We look for opportunities to take baby steps in the direction of our dreams. We fight the guilt and the uncertainty as it comes. We decide to take chances. Your list won't match mine. But that's the beauty of it. Being the best mom I can be to my kids, the best wife to my husband, the best example to others of what it means to be a Christian, taking care of the people in my life to the best of my ability...making a difference in the lives of others...these are at the top of my list. And woven through and between all of that are my dreams. They twist and turn and wrap themselves around the chords that play the music of my life. Sometimes they rage at me... sometimes they whisper. But they are always there. Waiting for me to gain enough courage to step out to the edge of the limb and then to keep walking when I run out of limb. One day, I will. One day soon, I hope.
What if I fall? Well, I might. But I might also fly.
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